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Simon Ain't Got Nothing by humon Simon Ain't Got Nothing by humon
Meet Simon (blond guy), a character so old I don't even know when I made him up. He's inspired by a dream i had many years ago, so while he isn't music inspired, he somehow fits into this universe.

He's either a very very powerful wizard or a demigod. No one knows. All they care about is not angering him and leaving him alone in his palace on a mountain. Not that they need to worry because he's very difficult to annoy and just wants to slack off with his huge harem of nymphs.
But despite this harem he actually has an unexplainable power over men. It's not something he does on purpose, but neither is it an opportunity he'll miss. Any man who ventures into Simon's palace won't be leaving with his straightness intact.

Occasionally people will contact him in the hopes of getting him to fight on their side in a war, or just for a battle. He's so powerful it comes close to cheating to use him, but not everyone plays fair. It is only when absolute necessary though, because of the effect he'll have on the soldiers, and endless jokes will be made about a winning army that used Simon.

But he isn't all powerful. His strange power doesn't work on Lucious because nothing turns Lucious on, asexual as he is. So if anyone wants to make deals with Simon, they send Lucious (They could try a woman, but she might find him sexy anyway). This has resulted in a friendship between them, and Lucious can often be seen by Simon's side in battles.

Angeli hates Simon though, because she has lost a few of her loves to him. Never mind those relationships were doomed anyway.
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:iconacenbeaky:
ACEnBEAKY Featured By Owner May 18, 2015
Huge harem of nymphs? Huge harem of nymphs? Lucky bastard! This is the kind of stuff anime and bad fanfictions are made of. Yeah, he kind of has an obligation to be chill at this point. You get that much, you have an obligation to be more lenient and forgiving. Me on the other hand, I haven't been so blessed, so I have a right to be mad and angry ALL the time, 24/7, even on my birthday. But no, he kind of owes it to the universe to be difficult to annoy.
"But despite this harem he actually has an unexplainable power over men. It's not something he does on purpose, but neither is it an opportunity he'll miss. Any man who ventures into Simon's palace won't be leaving with his straightness intact."
Aww dude, that is CLUCKED up. You walk into his lair-dimension-penthouse, whatever, and you see all these hot girls just to be ***cked in the @$$ by a dude? The women are bait, the women are bait. Admiral Ackbar called in to tell us it was a freakin' trap.
I mean that sounds like something that would happen to me in life. Oh look, friendly attractive women. WRONG. It's bait for some dude to get you. All the magical hot women in the world, and now he goes after a man's butt. This reminds me of a time when I was at a club with people from the army. One girl I kind of had a crush on started dancing near me, just to have a dude start dancing behind me. It was all good fun, though. We were all straight, and he was joking.
But the idea stuck....that women will only open up to their gay friends. 
And, horror of horrors, I don't trust women....they're just trying to snare the next meal for their gay friend....damn yoai fan girls. 
And all this time I was scared of the Draconians?
"Hey, Draco, get your scary ass down here." (he's one of the rare "positive" ones, but is still scary).
Draco: "What?"
Me: "Dude-you-faggot-over there-take care of it."
Draco: "Fine, I'll take care of the dude cuz you're insecure."
*walks back, with an odd limp. Has a very wide eyed trauma induced look on his scaly horned face.*
Draco: "I'll never work for you again. That guy took one look at me and said 'oh, leather.' Apparently he likes leather, and I'm just a big nice high quality purse, belt, and pair of cowboy boots made for walking just to him." 
Me: "No....no...NOOOOOOOOOO!"
So um, yeah. Moral of the story is, those women are a trap. What this asexual guy does? I can pull that off against women because of BAD memories with certain ones, but since this guy's got super powers...yeah...I wouldn't risk it around the guy. 
We're all going to prison and guess who's the warden. 

Admiral Ackbar: "It's a trap, it's a trap, it happened to me once in Vietnam."
Me: "You were in 'Nam?" 
Ackbar: "Well, not in the 70s."

Ya know, if I was some odd character caught in this, my attitude towards the guy would be like "Really, Simon? Ever heard of David and Uriah the Hittite? David had all them hoes and then he goes after and steals Uriah's one woman...then kills him. How you gonna be like that? You got all these women and you want to take my straighness away? You got ALL THIS, and you can't even let me be. Now, I'm not advocating sexual welfare, now. I'm not advocating spreading of the wealth, you don't owe me nothin'...just don't take what little I have away."
Damn that girl on the right is cute. Blonde hair, tan skin...greek?

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:iconmyrethy:
Myrethy Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
That scarf thing looks like it belongs in the universe of the anime Count Of Monte Cristo. Just... TEXTURE COLORS BLARARARHH
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:iconsummer-wren:
Summer-Wren Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Student General Artist
I absolutely LOVE his coat. The textures and colors are all positively gorgeous. <3
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:iconacenbeaky:
ACEnBEAKY Featured By Owner May 18, 2015
Now that you mention it...it kinda does. I watched that anime in afghanistan. And you're right.
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:iconlycanthusincarnum:
lycanthusincarnum Featured By Owner May 15, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
good gods.... that man is SEXY.... the guy in the boa is too in a way :)
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:iconroolsilver:
roolsilver Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2013
I love the high-waisted bottoms on the nymphs. Very anti-stereotype.
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:iconphantomsox:
phantomsox Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Student Artisan Crafter
Ever since you talked about how hard you worked on the boa in the other piece I keep thinking "Wow. Those boas really do look fabulous." I love the color schemes you've been using for them. Very universe-y.
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:iconpoasdffvsreg:
poasdffvsreg Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
I gotta agree with you on that, they really do look goregous.
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:iconneon284:
neon284 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Student Artist
.... and where would you find this alleged palace
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:iconananomouse:
Ananomouse Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012
I love Lucious boa. It's so big and fluffy looking and the colors! I mean, we can't even see anything else (other than pants).

The last line though has me curious though. Is the relationship between Simon and those men doom or the one's between Angeli and those men?
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:iconananomouse:
Ananomouse Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012
I rather like the idea of this Simon and Lucious being friends, but that's because I happen to adore Lucious and he can never have enough friends.
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:iconashaero:
ASHAero Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
Nice one, Lucious. I think I've found my new asexual icon.
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:icontechnoshadowblood:
TechnoShadowBlood Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I instantly thought of Simon as the masculine blonde of Rocky Horror xD
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:iconprincehotel:
PrinceHotel Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
..."I've been making a man with blond hair and a tan
And he's good for relieving my tension..."
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:iconblackstormsshadow:
BlackStormsShadow Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
Can we just love how all of your woman have CUDDLINESS and CURVES ... much like ... real women ...
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:iconafraadrija:
Afraadrija Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012
Wow, that boa is really pretty.
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:iconlordnummy:
LordNummy Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
that boa!!!
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:iconredkiwibird:
RedKiwiBird Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
So Lucious doesn't experience sexual attraction, but does he experience romantic attraction?
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:iconshmorygilmore:
ShmoryGilmore Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Interesting character :iconimsrspervplz: and Lucious looks always amazing _
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:iconcoyote-anm:
Coyote-ANM Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
there's wars in this universe? I mean, like part of the plot?

Oh, too much information...
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:iconraiiniedays:
RaiinieDays Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Student General Artist
My god Lucious boas are amazing. I want them... :ninja:
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:iconimbroken1998:
ImBroken1998 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
Lucious looks exactly like Matt....
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:iconscarletcolibri509:
scarletcolibri509 Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012
How do you come up with this stuf?!? It's brilliant! XD
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:iconzenoraziel:
ZenoRaziel Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
That boa looks so plush and comfy! Great color!
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:iconakatchugi1950:
Akatchugi1950 Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012
the greatest and perfect enemy for Jacop, it would be perfect if Jacop could be the only one who can relly annoy him!!!

aaand this gal to the right, looks relly much like sister Iceland in your comics
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:iconwingedchronicles:
wingedchronicles Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
Asexual character! :D
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:iconpaladin343:
Paladin343 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Have I mentioned how much I love that boa?
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:iconetergrobie:
EterGrobie Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
Let me just... take a second to imagine the kind of porn you'd draw... *tic toc, tic toc* Aaahhh... Heaven.

Continue xD
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:iconlryukluvrlighthater1:
LRyukluvrLighthater1 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Simon...kinda makes me think of Rocky from rocky horror picture show...
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:iconanzennaartz:
AnzennaArtz Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I AGREE!!
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:iconlryukluvrlighthater1:
LRyukluvrLighthater1 Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
YAY I'M NOT ALONE XD :iconrockyplz:
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:iconblu-dog-neko:
blu-dog-neko Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
Me too! :O

...oh and I wonder who'd be singing 'Sweet Transvestite' then... xD
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:iconlryukluvrlighthater1:
LRyukluvrLighthater1 Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hmm...good question...

:iconrockyplz:
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:iconavico:
AViCo Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
Okay, points for acknowledging the existence of asexuality (even if it doesn't quite work like that - quite a few asexuals I know can get turned on, just not by people of any gender just being there, more by specific kinks or through empathy; though even if they get aroused, they don't feel the need to consumate that urge with a partner).

However, if Simon has the power of changing any man's sexual orientation to gay/bi, just not Lucious' because he's asexual, that implies that you either don't count an asexual man as a 'real man', or that you don't count asexuality as a valid sexual orientation (but rather as some sort of hormonal abnormality or sexual dysfuction?).
Both options are offensive.

I'm sure you didn't mean to, but it still is.
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:iconsynesetheticsymptom:
SynesetheticSymptom Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I rather think she meant it along the lines of "when sexual interest is present, he (Simon) turns it toward himself," not necessarily changing true orientation. Thus, she can treat and is treating asexuality as an orientation (whichever definition of that you might be using today :) .) What I consider to be more important than that is if they are being portrayed as real people, because sexual identity changes so much from person to person that all I want to see is development of a character that includes traits that are shared with these designations.
These subjects are so sensitive that it's extremely difficult to treat them properly. When it's obvious someone tries, I generally give them points.

Also, thank you for being much more polite than Humon's critics tend to be. It makes you sound much more intelligent and reasoned. :)
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:iconinsightfully:
Insightfully Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It's only offensive if you try to make it offensive. She met no harm by it, and these are old characters anyway. Stop looking for reasons to be offended.
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:iconmagnusharvest:
MagnusHarvest Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It doesn't really matter, does it?
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:iconjackaloo:
Jackaloo Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012   Digital Artist
Simon = ROCKY! (humon if you don't get this so help me god)
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:iconkinggigasmon:
Kinggigasmon Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:D Great work!
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:iconkatban:
katban Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i call hot blond lass with the huge boobs and one eye showing!!!!!!!:drool::horny::hump: me likey^x^
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:iconalteregox5:
AlterEgox5 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
....Have I heard that quote somewhere before...?
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:iconmanic-mania:
Manic-Mania Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Student General Artist
Lucious is so sassy.
Love it. :D
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:iconpocketlintchibis:
pocketlintchibis Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Student Digital Artist
He reminds me of Rocky from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
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:icondrkkrystalviolet:
drkkrystalviolet Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Student General Artist
oh tell me what planet cause damn i wanna go there
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:iconengie931:
Engie931 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
QUA! I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BOA NOT A SCARF WHAT IS GOING ON!;A;
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:iconchildofaura:
ChildofAura Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I have to say that I love your character Lucious. It kind of frustrates me that in today's society they label you gay or lesbian just because you don't have interest in the opposite sex. I've had people say that about me several times just because I don't have any interest in men.

Have to say that I also love how poofy Lucious's boa is.
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:iconarcanephotographer:
ArcanePhotographer Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
Who's Angeli?
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:iconlunae-3v4:
Lunae-3v4 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Reminds me a bit of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, that blond worked out creature and the other ... flirty one xD
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:iconmurtauge:
murtauge Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Student General Artist
i wanna be simon! hes about to be sexed by that fantastic blonde
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:iconshadow-ninja-cat:
Shadow-Ninja-Cat Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
I do so enjoy these little scenes of yours :D
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November 19, 2012
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